Dear Mrs. Kutcher,

How are you? Been in any good movies lately? "Ghost" sure seems such a long time ago... Has it really been over 20 years? Wow.

But enough chit-chat. We're writing you for a reason, Mrs. Kutcher. How do we put it... Let's see...

Could you please shut your trap about your apparent Judaism?

You see, we Jews are an accepting bunch. If you want to come and join us full-time, go right ahead. Convert. No pressure, really. If you want to be a Jew, that option is out there.

But this Kabbalah cult? It's neither here nor there. Oh, we understand. You want to keep relevant with the Hollywood "in" crowd, and Scientology is a tad psychotic. Sure. And why go through the rigors of conversion, when one can just spew the drivel below:

"I didn't grow up Jewish, but would say that I have been more exposed to the deeper meanings of particular rituals than any of my friends that did."

Now, Mrs. Kutcher, we don't know who your Jewish friends are. And it's quite possible that they don't know much about Judaism. Sure. But the above just makes you sound... how do we put it... full of it.

Dear Mrs. Kutcher, you really should stick to what you do best: appearing in terrible movies and seducing your boy-husband.

With all due respect,

Jew or Not Jew