What is the secret to happiness? Wealth? Love? A really well-made sandwich? Actually, it's a lot simpler than that. You just have to be this guy: Alvin Wong, recently named the happiest person in America by Gallup.

Ok, not exactly. Y'see, Gallup — the people famous for polling — recently completed a survey in which they determined the common characteristics of happy people living in the US. Age, sex, geography, income, lifestyle, and yes, religion, were all important factors.

So you say you want to be happy? No problem: just be a tall, Asian, male, aged over 65, living in Hawaii, making over 120k per year, self-employed, married with children, and Jewish!

After reading all that, one is left to wonder how many people could fit that description? Well, one, apparently. Which makes sense. After all, happiness is not something easily acquired and so it should be rather rare right?

So there ya go, happiness = Jew.

Waitaminute. Happiness = Jew? What the eff are these people smoking?!