Hum-bert: softly, the lips lock, only to open, the tongue traveling to the teeth. Then, repeat. Hum. Bert. Humbert Humbert.

We don't claim to be Nabokovian scholars; far from it. It takes minds more astute than ours to dissect the layers of brilliance of his prose. That being said... there is a theory out there that Humbert Humbert is Jewish?

We've read and re-read "Lolita". We marvel at its magnificence. Not once has the question of Humbert's Jewishness entered our minds (and, trust us, questions of Jewishness ALWAYS enter our minds).

And yet, there it is, a scholarly take that claims that the monster that is Humbert is a Jew. Oh, the word "Jew" is not mentioned once in the novel, but there are... hints? Hints?

We will not delve into what the supposed researcher thinks are the reasons. They are flimsy at best. But we will note that it's quite unlikely that Nabokov, a Semitophile, married to a Jewish woman, would hide that in his most famous novel.

Wait, did we just say that Nabokovian scholars have astute minds? Let's take that back.