Coming to you live from glamorous New Jersey, it's the Jewies: the first annual Jew or Not Jew awards. Cue the music!

First of all, we want to congratulate J.D. Salinger, who narrowly edged out Stan Lee for the oldest living profilee. Are we sure J.D. is still alive? He is? Don't worry, Stan, there's always next year...

And now, the nominees for Most Surprising Person with Jewish Heritage: musician Billy Joel... Singer and dancer Paula Abdul... News anchor Katie Couric... And the Italian Stallion, Sylvester Stallone!

And the winner is... Gosh, can you feel the excitement? It's Sylvester Stallone!

What's that, Sly? We know you're overjoyed, but we can't understand through the mumbling... Sylvester Stallone, ladies and gentlemen! Say hello to that long lost Jewish grandmother for us, please.

Coming up next: the eagerly awaited Best Beard category...