The World Cup is finally here, and we couldn't be more excited! (Yes, in November. Yes, in Qatar. Uhhh... Let's just move on.)
We're excited because the US is back in, after its despicable failure to qualify four years ago. And this means — this means Jews! Back in 2014, the only World Cup Jews came from America. In 2018, no US meant no Jews. Clearly, the other countries of the world are not gonna produce a Jewish World Cup player...
So: in goal for the US is Matt Turner, who has a Lithuanian Jewish grandfather, but he is already profiled. On defense for the US is 2014 holdover DeAndre Yedlin, who has a Latvian Jewish grandfather, but he is already profiled. (Was there something in the water in the Baltic states? Because Lithuania and Latvia are not making the World Cup anytime soon...)
Alas, there are no more Jews on the US team, so we have to profile Brenden Aaronson, who does get asked if he is Jewish because of his rather Jewy last name. (Before you ask, no, Walker Zimmerman isn't Jewish either.)
Don't get us wrong, we're a bit disappointed that we're profiling the goyishe Aaronson instead of finding another World Cup Jew... but it'll have to do. (Kinda like watching the World Cup in November. In Qatar!)