Dear Mr. Hamm,
Hi. You probably don't know us. We're Jew or Not Jew, the website that rates people based on their Jewishness. We even profiled your alter ego, Don Draper, earlier this year. Take a look at his profile. It's a fun read.
We're writing to you on behalf of our female readers. Apparently, Mr. Hamm, many of them are quite taken with you. It appears that yentas find your goyishe looks somewhat attractive. And we're putting that mildly.
You see, Mr. Hamm, we have gotten quite a few requests to profile you on our website. But... we just can't. You're so NOT Jewish. No one in their right mind could think that you are.
Now, if only you could marry a Jewish woman... Then, by the Kevin Bacon Rule, we could profile you! Perhaps you can even pick one of our female readers... You should see some of our female readers! H, O, T, HOT!
Or, if our readers are not good enough for you (but seriously, Mr. Hamm, you should see some of our female readers!), maybe you could just go ahead and marry your girlfriend, Jennifer Westfeldt. You've been together for what, 12 years? Isn't that enough to make an honest woman out of her? Or... are you afraid of her Jewish mother? You'll get over that in due time, we assure you.
Of course, you'll have to do something about your last name.