We have a scoop for you: Red Sox outfielder Ryan Kalish is going to announce he's "coming out."
We at JONJ take these things very seriously and so we'd like to offer Ryan some advice, courtesy of our own thorough searching of the Interwebs:
1. Make sure you're ready: Coming out can be very stressful, but also very rewarding. That said, friends (or teammates, or fans, or journalists, or hack sports radio blabbermouths...) may start to treat you differently. It shouldn't change your decision, but it will change your life.
2. Choose the right time: Don't be rushed. Wait till you can really take your time and speak your mind. Like, you know, during October when other teams are in the playoffs. (Burn!)
3. Expect a range of reactions: Some people are surprised by the positive reactions they get. Who knows, maybe a prominent, popular, hilarious website will even decide to profile you (hey, two out of three ain't bad)! But some people will react negatively, which can be very painful. But don't let it stop you. Just remember why you've made this decision in the first place.
OK, Ryan. That just about does it. We wish you the best of luck in your....
Wait. Ryan Kalish is coming out of the closet as JEWISH?! What the fuck does that even mean?
Do us a favor Ryan, go back in the closet. Stay there for a while. Maybe the lack of oxygen and the mothball stink will help your brain process things a little better. Maybe it'll suffocate you. But one way or the other... sweet Hashem, holy be he — we'll get a better result than this mishegas.