Schrodinger's Cat is a famous quantum physics thought experiment. A cat is placed in a closed room with a radioactive substance. After an hour elapses, there's a 50% chance that the substance leaks, killing the animal. An outside observer has no way of telling what happened, so, to him, the cat can be considered both alive AND dead at the same time. Of course, once the room is opened, he'll find that the cat is either alive OR dead. Oh, those wacky physicists and their hate of felines!

So, let's talk about "My Two Dads". No, the 80s TV show was not a groundbreaking depiction of a homosexual couple. It was about a girl whose dying mother left her with the two men she suspected could have been her father. The trio spent their time alternating between hating and loving each other. Oh, 80s television!

One potential father was played by Reiser, clearly Jewish. The other, some blondish guy whose name we don't feel like looking up, was clearly not. So the poor girl was just like (aha! We're getting there!) Schrodinger's Cat. Since the true father was never revealed, she could be considered both Jewish AND goyishe at the same time. Of course, if that judge ever opened the results of the DNA test, we would know if she was Jewish OR goyishe. But, since doing that would immediately signal the end of the show, the true paternity was never revealed. Oh, the hilarity!

Of course, Reiser went on to star on "Mad About You", while the other guy waddled in obscurity. So yes, the winner here clearly is Jewish.

Like you needed some cat-murdering thought experiment to tell you that.