Just to be clear, we love David Cone. He's everything you want a professional athlete to be. Talented. Hardworking. Dedicated. A teammate and leader who is every bit deserving and accepting of a fan's adoration. Except for the whole public masturbation accusation thing. But that was never proved, so we can pretend it didn't happen.

Right?

Anyway you can see that we'd be more than partial to checking off Coney's name in the ol' Jew column. Except we can't. Because he isn't.

Yes, yes the name David Cone sure sounds Jewish. Hashem knows, all it would take is one stupid little H in his last name and we'd be in Hebrew Heaven. But as it stands, there is not.

Nor is there any evidence, online or otherwise, that David Cone has even a drop of mustard flowing through his mayonnaise veins. No clandestine bar mitzvahs. No teary grandparent confessions. Gornisht.

So yeah, we're disappointed. But he's not a Jew and no amount of pretending that there was a name change by some long lost great grampa Cohn is gonna make it so.

Sorry. It's time to move on.