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    River Phoenix

    Jew Score:



    (River Jude Bottom)
    August 23, 1970 – October 31, 1993

    What if River Phoenix had a chance to be a Jew?

    You see, River's mother, a Jew, met his father while hitchhiking, and together they joined the very non-Jewish Children of God, into which River was born. Later, they left the cult, and River got an acting job, and quickly rose to prominence. All that before meeting an untimely demise after a drug overdose.

    But what if, instead of joining the cult, his parents settled into a regular Jewish home? Then River (although it's hard to imagine him being named River in this case) could have attended Hebrew school, spun the dreidel, and gotten bar mitzvahed. And perhaps he wouldn't have become famous at such a young age. Perhaps he wouldn't have become an actor; he could have been a doctor, or a lawyer, or whatever profession your typical Jewish family sees fit for its offspring. Most importantly, perhaps he wouldn't have been dead at 23.

    There are just too many perhaps.

    Verdict: Borderline Jew.

    December 24, 2007

    See Also

    Jonathan Brandis

    Harrison Ford

    Joaquin Phoenix

    Hillel Slovak

    Stu Ungar
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