Let's say that you never saw the movie "American Pie". Strange for someone our age, sure, but suppose that you spent the late 90s waiting for Star Wars prequels and ignoring everything else. Or something. In any case, no pie for you.

So you are sitting home one day, and lo and behold, "American Pie" is playing on cable! So you make sure the kids are safely asleep, and tune in.

Big mistake.

You see, "Pie" was playing on basic cable, which meant the movie was brutally butchered.

Now, basic cable is all fine and good for many films, especially if you don't mind characters telling each other to go freak themselves. But some movies are better left unwatched.

"American Pie" falls into that category. As everyone knows, the major scene in the movie deals with the Jason Biggs character, Jim Levenstein (alas, once again, the biggest dork is a Jew), getting... overtly friendly with pastry. That entire scene was removed from the version we watched, leaving us scratching our heads in bewilderment. Now, don't get us wrong, it's not that we have to see Biggs show his love for warm apples, but it's kinda the big climax of the movie, you know?

"American Pie 2"? As if we needed another reason to skip that one.