Dear Conflicted Goyim,

We are aware that not everyone wants to be Jewish. Like people who eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches or who watch "Deal or No Deal", there's just no accounting for taste.

But we also know that some of you ARE Jewish and that irks you. After all, you weren't raised Jewish. Perhaps mom was Jewish and she converted. Now you worry that if anyone finds out she traded the matzohs for the martyrs they'll penalize you in some way.

OK. We can't see it, but OK. Feel free to continue on pretending to not be Jewish. Hey, everyone has psychological baggage. Ours is heavy enough. Far be it from us to try to carry yours, as well.

If it bothers you so much, just get counseling or something. There's probably a non-Jewish psychologist out there somewhere if you look hard enough. Or just put a really big cross in front of your house and get season tickets to Billy Graham. That should solve the issue once and for all.

But, for the love of G-d, whatever you decide to do, could you please stop propagating inquisitions where you publicly slaughter anyone of even remotely Jewish heritage that happens to live within the randomly assigned borders of your chosen country just to prove how un-Jewish you are?

Seriously. The next time you have an urge for something like that, just make yourself a peanut butter and banana sandwich and calm the hell down, OK?

Thank you.