When the second annual Jewies are held next year, Sly Stallone is going to have a contender for his coveted Most Surprising Person with Jewish Heritage title.

That's because John Kerry is not really a Kerry. If his grandfather chose not to assimilate, the 2004 presidential candidate would have been named John Kohn.

Of course, if Kerry was a Kohn, it's hard to imagine him becoming a presidential candidate in the first place. We'll see a Jew on Mars before we see a major political party nominate one for the nation's highest office.

So maybe grandpa Fritz made the right decision? Opening the doors for his grandson and what not? Nah. Not after John lost to THAT incumbent.