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    Simon Cowell

    Jew Score:



    October 7, 1959 —

    Welcome back to America's Best Klezmer! We now go back to the audition room where Rabbi Shmuel Horowitzsteinberger, Lenny Kravitz and Simon Cowell have just heard the band Better than Esau from Massapequa, New York. Now they will provide their judgments and let the band know if they'll be traveling to Tel Aviv for the big finale. Let's go straight to the action!

    Rabbi Shmuel: I think you sounded not so bad, but I'm concerned about your performance in relation to the teachings of Maimonides...

    15 minutes pass... slowly

    Rabbi Shmuel:... so I can't send you to Tel Aviv. But will I see you at oneg next shabbas?

    Kravitz: Dude, man. I mean like... dude, man. Dude? Man!

    Cowell: That performance made me feel like you baked my paternal grandmother's kasha varnishkas recipe using my soul. It was like being hit in the kishkes with a stale piece of challah bread, wrapped in three-day old brisket. I have heard bar mitzvah boys going through puberty sing more in key. Your fiddle sounded like scraping a lulav over a broken graggor. You played the flute like a vildechaya with shpilkas. I would sooner listen to my Tanta Feygele complain about her hemorrhoids for two hours while eating jarred gefilte fish than listen to you for another second. No... Just no...

    OK! When we come back, more exciting performances on... America's Best Klezmer!

    Verdict: Barely a Jew.

    March 23, 2010

    See Also

    Paula Abdul

    David Beckham

    Mark Burnett

    Adam Lambert

    Judge Wapner
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