Attention dads! If you have a daughter, you have one mission and one mission only: keep your little girl off the pole. She could slaughter twelve people, snort cocaine off a dead ostrich, lie, cheat and steal and you can still take comfort that you're not a complete waste of a father. But if daddy's princess is taking her clothes off for the appreciation of others you have failed.

So, yeah, Tawny Kitaen. Maybe not a stripper, per se. But definitely a mid-80s softcore porn star/hair band music video whore. Where did it all go wrong?

Before the Celebrity Rehab. Before the cocaine possession rap. Before she was charged with beating her (then) husband, Indians pitcher Chuck Finley (this doesn't count against his Hall of Fame bid, but it really should, shouldn't it?).

Before hosting TV shows with Dave Coulier(?!). Before dry-humping the hood of a Jaguar for a Whitesnake music video. Before dating OJ Simpson(!!!). Before becoming the cover girl for Ratt (seriously, it just goes on like this).

Before appearing in, no joke, an erotic film entitled The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of Yik-Yak, when a 12-year-old Julie Kitaen went up to her Jewish father Terry and told him, of her own volition, that she would now like to be known by the name Tawny.

Yep. EPIC FAIL.