My dearest Amanda,

My sincere apologies for using such a public forum to write to you. As you are well aware, due to unforeseen circumstances, writing you personally is no longer an option. But we will persevere, my darling.

First of all, you need to be aware that the security around your house is pretty lax. Your bedroom window was left open on three occasions this week alone. Be careful, my beloved! I made sure there were no criminals around, but as much as I try, I can't be there at all times.

Second of all, I finally watched the last season of "Big Love". Let me tell you, my precious, I was incredibly disappointed! You appear but in the final scene of the final episode! Oh, that black dress was truly stunning, but one scene? I wish you told me ahead of time, my adored.

Third of all, I really wish you could get the folks at Jew or Not Jew off my case. I keep asking them to profile you, my treasure, but they stopped responding months ago! They did tell me they are pretty sure you're not Jewish, so could you please confirm it for them, my sweetheart?

In conclusion, I truly miss you, my cherished, but I know in the bottom of my heart that the two of us will be together soon.

Please write,

(name withheld)