Welcome, everyone, to the Jewies, the third annual Jew or Not Jew Awards! Apologies for not holding the ceremony last year, it's very hard to produce such glamorous events in this economy... But thanks to our new sponsor, Schlomo's Celery Soda, we're back! Schlomo's Celery Soda, it's not entirely undrinkable!

Let's get right to it. The nominees for Best Mustache (Male) are... Oh, why do I even bother reading the nominees, everyone knows Geraldo Rivera wins this every year. No need for suspense here, folks, our winner is... Ger... What? There must be a mistake! Let me confer with the judges...

No, folks, it looks like they have it right. In a stunning upset, the Best Mustache (Male) award goes to hockey player Bob Nystrom, who is not even a Jew, even though he is often reported to be so! He just married one, and raised his kids Jewish... Bob is not here to accept this lofty honor, which we hope he will treasure as much as his four Stanley Cup championships... Better luck next year, right, Geraldo? You might want to wash down your sorrows with Schlomo's Celery Soda. Schlomo's Celery Soda, almost as delicious as real celery!

And now, moving on to the Best Mustache (Female) award... Boy, there are lots of candidates here, I give you that!