Well, hello there. It is I, Garrett the Internet Gremlin. Today, I am going to teach you how to create a semi-credible Jewish rumor. Watch and learn, kids!

Your first step is to select a subject for whom being Jewish is somewhat believable. Sure, OJ Simpson as a Jew sounds like fun, but who is gonna fall for that one? So why not... a president? There are Jewish rumors about everyone from Jefferson to Clinton, so let's say... LBJ!

Then, you need to figure out exactly how your subject is Jewish. I suggest to go back many generations. The more the better! I mean, if you say their father is Jewish, someone might actually call you out on it. But great-great-great-grandfather? Not bloody likely!

Now — and we are getting advanced here — you can dig up the subject's ancestry (it's often readily available online), find something vaguely Jewish, and claim it as so! Here, let's look up LBJ. Great-great-something-grandfather John Huffman? Well, that could be Jewish! And great-whatever-grandmothers with the last names of Baines and Ament? That's not Jewish at all, but go ahead, claim that as well, and make sure to make the statement authoritative!

Finally, after your rumor is written up, forward to 50 of your closest friends. Make sure — this is very important — that at least one woman over the age of 60 is on that list. Then sit back and wait for someone to send the rumor back to you. That's it!

Now if only those pesky devils at JewOrNotJew.com would stop proving the rumors wrong...