Somewhere, underneath the earth's surface, or perhaps lost in the ether of wireless space, live the Internet Gremlins.

There's Gary the Gremlin, who fills your inbox with promises of penile enlargement and Nigerian princely millions.

There's Gerald the Gremlin, who posts photographs of various nude women (and men, natch), for all to see.

And then there's Garrett the Gremlin. He makes up Jewish rumors.

How does he do it? Garrett the Gremlin has a bottomless hat, filled with the names of celebrities. Every few days, he pulls out a name, scratches the back of his head with his long gremlin finger, and comes with a ridiculous, but perhaps plausible, Jewish rumor. Pity the victims of Garrett the Gremlin! From Kevin Costner to Sarah Palin, Garrett has Jewy-fied them all.

Take Ben Affleck, for instance. A perfectly average goy, with easily researchable Irish/Scottish/English/Episcopalian ancestry. But on the day Garrett the Gremlin pulled Affleck's name out of a hat, no research was needed. Garrett saw Ben's middle name, Geza, thought to himself, "Hey! That almost sounds Jewish!", and made up a rumor that Affleck was named after his somehow-Israeli father (never mind the fact that real Jews don't name their children after themselves). And just like that, the rumor was out there. Internet Gremlins have such power.

Oh, you say the Internet Gremlins aren't real? That there are actual real human beings who send spam, post pornography, and make up ridiculous Jewish rumors?

Please, no REAL people have the free time to sit around figuring out who might or might not be Jewish.