On this, our one-thousand-seven-hundredth-and-seventy-sixth profile, we thought we'd clear up some common misconceptions regarding America's second president and first curmudgeon.

John Adams was gay: False. Yes, despite the fact he shared a bed with Benjamin Franklin while both men were in Paris, Mr. Adams and Mr. Franklin did not share the love that dare not speak its name. Actually, Adams despised the so-called "First American" and complained that his roommate lacked the common decency to close the windows in their hotel room. Also, Franklin was a notorious womanizer, while Adams was... not.

John Adams wanted America to have a King: False. Look, it was a long time ago. The most respected doctor in the colonies was recommending laxatives to treat... well... everything. Adams wasn't campaigning for the crown, he just had a different view of the role of commander-in-chief. Also, "King-lover" was the best insult you could throw someone's way until "adulterer" was invented in 1855.

John Adams wasn't a human, but actually a very tall troll escaped from under the Delaware Memorial Bridge: OK, yeah, this is actually true.

John Adams was Jewish: Adams may have been short, bald, hook-nosed, stubborn, head-strong, intractable, cantankerous, stiff-necked, and untoward. He may even have said some (relatively) nice things (for the time) about Jews (which, in retrospect, read as insulting). But in the end, he was about as blue blood as it gets.

Too bad. As ornery, over-matched Presidents go, Adams was one of the better ones.