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    Attention Earth-Hebrews.

    We have infiltrated your precious Intertubes. We control the vertical. We control the horizontal. The diagonal is held by a multi-planetary corporation that we also control.

    Do not be alarmed. We are simply using this sophisticated and evolved (for a Human) Earth-rating device to communicate to you the following necessary information:

    The creature you know as ALF, the so-called Alien Life Form, is neither alien nor life form. We understand that this may be disconcerting to you. We too were momentarily confused by his realistic movements, his craving for Earth felines (they really are quite delicious), and his sophisticated (for a Human) humor.

    But alas it is not so. He is what you meat popsicles would refer to as a puppet: a particularly inventive mixture of cloth, plastic, and dead orangutan hair given the appearance of life by shoving a hand up it's tuchus. (And seriously, what the fuck is up with that?! But we digress.)

    Please do not associate this ignorant, human-loving boob as a member of our clearly superior, educated, syndicated-television-watching galactic community.

    We now return you to your regularly scheduled 1000-word treatise on Corey Haim.

    (However, on a completely unrelated note, you can be assured that the being you know as Yoda is definitely, totally, real.)

    Verdict: Not an Alien.

    April 1, 2009

    See Also

    Rick Deckard

    Kang and Kodos

    Oscar the Grouch


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