"Could it be... Satan?!" — Dana Carvey as the Church Lady on Saturday Night Live

So there is no Jewish Devil, as previously discussed, but there is Jewish Satan worship? Well, not really, but the inventor of the Satanic religion, Anton LaVey, was Jewish by birth (Laveyan Satanism, anyway. Other satanic sects have other, non-Jew founders, so we don't give a crap about them).

If you're picturing a bunch of blood drinking, animal sacrificing vildechayas, you're way off. Laveyan Satanism, as we understand it, is more about celebration of the self — a sort of reverse Judeo/Christianity in which G-d is made in man's image and Satan (the disgraced angel from The Bible Part 2: The Quickening) is the messiah.

Whatever.

Frankly, the goat's blood and the virgin sacrifices sound a heck of a lot more fun than LaVey's brand. Boring Satanic rituals, who knew? That doesn't mean Anton LaVey was somehow normal, because he definitely was not. Nor are we endorsing the religion he invented.

No, rather, all of this makes us kind of sad. It's a tough life out there and millennia upon millennia later we humans are still trying to grasp the basic concept of how to be happy. And we keep coming back to hoping (and praying) that someone, somehow (G-d, Satan, Buddha, Oprah) will swoop down and make it all better.

And that person (sorry folks) isn't coming.