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    King David

    Jew Score:



    circa 1040 – 970 BCE

    It's that time of the year again, when we take a beloved Biblical character and try to deny him the perfect Jew Score. What, you think if we did it for Abraham and Moses, we won't do it for David? Think again...

    Let's start with the I Score. Some might deny David perfection here, because his great-grandmother, Ruth, was a convert. Some, but not us. We're very inclusive of converts here; besides, her conversion would make David's grandfather 100% Jewish, trickling all the way down. No dice.

    The O Score... Well, duh. Obvious perfection. Everyone knows that David was King of the Jews. And a big hero at that. Even Michelangelo gave him a Jewish nose.

    Which leaves us with the K. Here, we'll dock a point. How, asks the reader. David is great! He killed Goliath! Ruled Israel! Wrote some great songs!

    Easily, that's how. You see, David was a... murderer. No, we're not talking about Goliath here — that was war, and he did it for the Jewish people. We're talking about the story of Bathsheba. David saw her bathing and fell in love with her. Bathsheba was already married, but David would have none of that. So he first shtupped the wife, then got the husband killed.

    Come to think of it, maybe docking one point is not enough...

    Verdict: Jew.

    January 25, 2010

    See Also


    Queen Esther



    King Solomon
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