We now return to... The Wisdom of Solomon!!! Justice 'King' Solomon has heard both sides. Now he will deliver his verdict...
Bailiff: "All rise for the honorable Justice 'King' Solomon!"
Solomon: "Alright you mishegoyim, settle down, settle down. Lurlene — you say this baby is yours, yes? But this, ahem, chobag...?"
Lurlene: "Ho-bag, your honor."
Solomon: "Yes, yes. This ho-bag Brandene says it is hers. And Brandene, you say the baby is yours and that Lurlene is a lying, sack of *bleeeep*?"
Brandene: "Yes, your honor."
Solomon: "I see. Well, as you know, I am just a simple man. A simple man who just happened to be ripped through the fabric of time and started his own television program sponsored by the fine people at "I Can't Believe It's Not Herring" airing Monday through Fridays from 2-3 PM, check your local listings — but still. A simple man. The wisest man in history? I leave that to others who have already decided the answer to that is yes. But a simple man. And so therefore I offer you a simple solution. We shall...... SPLIT THE BABY IN HALF!"
Brandene: "Sounds good to me. He'll fit right in with his six other half-brothers and sisters."
Lurlene: "Yup. Heck, I'll take a quarter, so long as I still get the whole welfare check."
Solomon: "Oy. This was so much easier in Ancient Judea..."