Ah, Chanukah. The Festival of Lights. And gifts. Can't forget those. Did you know, goyim, that we get eight of them? That's right! Eight whole gifts! Makes your Christmases and Kwanzaas seems kinda crappy in comparison, huh?

Oh, who are we kidding.

Hanukah is nice and all, but on the Jewish calendar of importance it falls somewhere between Tu B'shevat and the erev Purim half fast day. The only reason anyone gives a damn about Channukah is that it happens to fall around the same time as Christmas and American Jews (rightfully) knew they needed something to compete so they started giving out gifts.

Whatever. In Israel they get donuts and move on. Hanuka's just not that important compared to Passover or Yom Kippur or even Simchat Torah. (And how Jewish is it that instead of a massive military victory we've chosen to celebrate the conservation of lamp oil? Sheesh.)

So, goyim, don't make the mistake that Jamaican bobsledder Hannukkah Wallace's mother made: when you're looking to give your non-Jewish children a very Jewish name we recommend something a little more... important.

After all, if you wanted to be patriotic you wouldn't name your son Flag Day.